On Friendships
It has been quite some time since I penned my thoughts on substack. A small conversation with my sister sparked and inspired me to write this.
On friendships
She has just transitioned from college. Her experiences with friendships were quite challenging while studying. She met a few vile girls who gave bad experiences for lifetime –(bullies!). She also met a great friend who abandoned her at the end of the final year. Meh! I really cannot fathom why girls prefer romantic relationships with boys over their female friendships. I just cannot understand. I cannot understand.
Now that she has entered the workforce, finding a pal of the same age has become quite a challenge now. Being a friendly sister cannot replace friendships. She confessed that she feels alone times.
This feeling stems from not having any close friendships. This conversation provoked me to write whatever flows in. Just some story!
I had amazing friendships in college, and my best friend was my work mate and house mate in my first job. Our relationship is unique, and we have had our own challenges, love, and everlasting laughter. There was a dip when I found that my friend was in love with someone. That was a hard period for me. I am not against love. It was something different. It felt like a personal loss- losing your friend to someone else. I had hard time accepting that there was someone dearer to my friend. Later, it just melted away. But that didn’t deter our friendship.
In my second job in Hyderabad, I stayed alone in a rented house. I travelled, but I didn’t find any companion there. I was part of multiple trekking groups and stayed busy by trekking when I had money, and training for trekking when I ran out of monthly travel budget. As these periods are around early to mid-late 20s, During those early to mid-late 20s, I had various chances to meet my college friends at weddings.
Everytime I attended a wedding, there was always an irking feeling of losing a female friend to marriage. Because, I strongly believe marriage and family setups are meant to keep women alone.
After moving to Nagercoil in 2020 in my late 20s, most of the college mates are married by then. I was left with zero friends to hangout. Occasionally, I traveled outside with some long-distance single friends, but the frequency was too low. It became hard to match our schedules. Our growth in professional careers also impacted on the frequency of travel. Also, living in nagercoil also meant less connectivity or longer travel time to reach major destinations.
With all these challenges my travel got reduced as I felt it redundant and my interest in it grew less. I was also going through personal hurdles- financially and emotionally. I took a pause to reflect on the importance of financial stability and worked towards it. Between 2020 to 2024, I didn’t find any friends here. I used to travel and sit alone in a temple hillock overlooking a beautiful mountain, contemplating the various life choices I have made. Deep down, I strongly desired women friendships.
That’s when I stumbled upon a local organization in kanyakumari in June 2024- knf. I sent an email enquiring about their activities to take part in weekly nature related activities as I had interest in them. Atleast that would lead to a way to find some people locally and most importantly step out of home. Fast forward to 2025- I am super glad that I sent that email. It led to a beautiful friendship and gave me a sweet lil heart who calls me Athai. Finding like minded friendships in 30s is beyond luck and imagination. It’s indeed a blessing for all those years of waiting.
In the same year, 2024, I reluctantly joined a trekking program organized by a new trekking group. With zero preparation and all the extra weight on my body, I attended the program—and that’s where I met another person. We discussed various things and book club was one among that.
Later, in mid-May 2025, she reached out with a plan that led to the initiation of a book club. She is a person of action who took charge of the book club and led things forward. Again, I’m glad I stepped out of my comfort zone, which led to an amazing friendship. Suddenly, all those years of yearning felt insignificant. She gave me many first experiences-the simple joy of a bike ride on an empty road toward the sea, a sunflower day out, book club meetings, and eating and chatting at unique places. Suddenly, life felt like it was falling into place. I still remember the day we spent long hours chatting while overlooking the mighty Thadagai, and the bike ride toward Thenparai and Thellanthi—an amazing experience. Above all, her company. It’s valuable.
I think of my friendships here in Nagercoil and a little human. This write up is my way of showing them love and gratitude.
I am not single, I have good women friendships whom I can rely, be vulnerable, share the joy and sorrows of life.
Celebrating life is not out of reach for people who have friends.
When I look at the life of married women in 30s, 40s, the one who has right friendships thrive well.
Women friendship and the grace save us from misery and heartbreaks.
They lead us to happiness. It is high time we don’t buy in the “women against women” narrative. There are inhuman people. However, when we find a slight similarity, mutual respect, love and hold on to those women.
I came across an Instagram reel on how romantic relationships were sold to us, women.
It is our platonic friendships that show us mercy, give us grith and become a source of inspiration.
I have been inspired by my friends. I take refuge at my female friendships. Though I am straight person, I have less emotional and mental chemistry with men. I find men less empathetic and less heart driven.
Patriarchy can never save them from their own misery or the misery that they add to the lives of women.
I have a strong mental equation with women, and my choice to stay out of marriage and childbirth feels like an antidote to patriarchy. I believe I am doing my part.
I may not choose motherhood, but I am a reliable and safe aunthood and adulthood to young humans.